Trust or Despair
“My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me? Why are You so far from helping Me, And from the words of My groaning O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear; And in the night season, and am not silent.” Psalm 22:1
In April 1992 while I was on a mission trip to Mexico, my dad passed away suddenly. He was only 50 years old and I was 18. The following March 1993, one week after giving me away at my wedding, my grandpa passed away suddenly. My grandpa was my dad’s dad and the only grandparent in my life. I loved him and my dad deeply and now within a year these two powerful men in my life, were suddenly gone and I didn’t get to say “goodbye”.
My husband and I gave birth to our first child, our daughter Deverie, on June 11, 1994. She was to be our gift from heaven after suffering so much loss. However, about four hours after she was born, we discovered that she had a severe congenital heart defect and after spending 11 days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, she passed away. I was 20 years old and this would be the entry point to the first of two “Dark Nights of the Soul” that I have faced in my life since knowing Jesus.
“The Dark Night of the Soul” is bitter and cold. Lonely and cruel. Dark, with no end in sight. I never would have made it through if not for Jesus. I could write a whole book dedicated to my own personal experience with this season of life. I could recount all of the intricacies, the layers and depths that lead to that moment that created that vortex of depression and great sadness. But again, it would only serve to narrow the experience that is so profoundly different for each individual person. I will say that it is a journey that tests your faith and belief in the character and nature of God unlike any other. If we let it, it will mature us and root us in His unwavering love. It will take us to levels of utter dependency and intimacy with God that few will ever experience without walking through the fog of night with Him.
The phrase “Dark Night of the Soul” was first coined by St. John of the Cross, a Spanish monk and mystic, whose Noche obscura del alma is translated “Dark Night of the Soul”. In this poem, St. John of the Cross describes it as a “happy night” and a “night more lovely than the dawn”. And because of its work in our heart that brings us ever closer to God and His unfailing love towards us, although it seems paradoxical, I’d have to agree.
While in the fog of the “dark night” it is very difficult to believe that there is any light to be seen at the end of it all. The Sons of Korah are a perfect example of wrestling through this anguish and pain as expressed in Psalm 88. In fact this chapter is widely regarded as the “Dark Night of the Soul” chapter in the bible. It describes perfectly the despair of the heart when dipped into the slippery pit of unbelief. This is a place none of us want to go, and to certainly not remain in.
A couple of weeks after losing our daughter, Deverie, I was at one of my lowest moments. I desperately needed to hear from God, but all of my senses were numbed with grief. I couldn’t hear Him, see Him, or feel Him. The distress in the core of my being overwhelmed everything. I remember crying out to God, saying, “Where are You? I know You’re there, but Jesus, I don’t understand why this is happening?”. In that moment His voice was crystal clear, “Cindy, you can choose to trust Me, or to fall into the depths of despair. But you can’t do both.” At that moment, I decided then and there that I was going to choose to trust Him, regardless of what my emotions were saying to me. My circumstances did not magically change, but my perspective did. I engaged my will in that moment to choose how I looked at this season, how I responded to it, and how I pursued God even while my senses were dulled by grief. In this “dark night”, this winter season, I engaged what I knew to be true about God, rather than relying on my experiences with Him. Our emotions can not be trusted in the dark night. But His word and His character and nature can be.
“If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.” Psalm 139:8